While the “sport” of curling didn’t originate in Canada — it’s probably Scottish, but nobody wants to admit to it — it’s definitely a big deal here in Canada. I’ve been to towns that boast no newspaper, no radio station, no grocery store, no gas station … but have a curling club. And it’s always busy, and it usually serves cheap draft beer of the Ring O’Fire variety.

The game is basically shuffleboard, but not as fast-paced, and played on ice. Two four-person teams, or “rinks,” face off on long, narrow ice sheets marked with big targets. The teams take turns sliding heavy concrete “rocks” down the ice, using small brooms to sweep it clean to affect minimal control of the rock’s slide. The goal is threefold:

1. land as many rocks as close to the centre of the target as possible
2. knock the other side’s rocks out of play
3. drink two pitchers before the price goes up at 9 p.m.

I have curled. And as someone who has curled, I can assure you that it’s really, really boring. I was recruited onto a curling rink the same way I once wound up golfing: someone said “It isn’t too hard, and you can get a beer while you play.” I said something like “Oh, like bowling,” and was told “No, bowling’s just a game. Curling is a sport.”

Wrong. It’s a game. Curlers like to call it a sport because it’s played on ice and some of them wear those tearaway pants when they’re sliding along the ice, but really, folks, it’s a game. I tend to define “sport” as something that requires physical fitness and skill to do, and the fact that men’s curling uniforms are available with size 56 waistbands says a lot.

Anyway, back to my point: Curling is dull. It’s slow and repetitive, one of those rare sports that’s less fun to play than to watch. Have you watched it? It’s an Olympic sport now, and let me tell you, when curling made the games in 1998 there were plenty of extra pitchers being sold at small-town curling clubs across Canada, even at full price.

… Weird aside: There is a spinoff version of curling known as jug curling. It’s the same game, but played in hockey rinks with plastic bleach jugs filled with cement (or, as is more typical, gravel from the parking lot, dug up from under the snow at the last minute). Unlike real curlers, jug curlers drink beer and rye right on the ice during games, and fall down a lot, which is funny.

There is exactly one movie about curling: Men With Brooms. It was partially shot in the city where I lived, and I was there for part of the filming. It isn’t very good. It’s the story of a retired curler who comes back for One Last Game or something, and stars Paul Gross, Leslie Nielsen, Molly Parker and Peter Outerbridge and some other actors you would know if you watch late-night Canadian infomercials. (Note: Molly Parker has to appear in every Canadian film. It’s the law.)

For whatever reason, curling is a huge part of Canadian culture. I know more people who curl than people who don’t, and the ones who don’t curl like to watch curling on TV. I used to know a guy who would call in sick if women’s curling was on TV. He was really into Gilmore Girls, too, come to think of it.

When curlers get together, it’s a big deal, too; as a reporter, I spent a week covering a national tournament, and it was a huge event, with the whole city celebrating it like it was the Super Bowl, and media from all over the country packing the press gallery.

I really, really tried to work “Curlers get their rocks off” into my coverage, but my editor changed it.

He was a curler.