Welcome back to Canadian Content, a weekly look at the glorious country I call home. As always, I guarantee this column to contain at least 50 percent true stuff.
This is Canada’s Royal Coat of Arms, also known as the Arms of Canada. It’s a familiar sight here, especially if you spend a lot of time waiting for the judge to call your name in federal court, not that I have any experience with that, honest.
We’ve had this as our Coat of Arms since 1921, when it replaced a woodcut of a beaver fighting a moose. A lot of work and planning went into designing the Arms, and the end result is this messed-up, overly busy concoction. Today, dear readers, I will break it down for you so it’s easier for you to understand. I’ll keep it simple because I know a lot of you live in Florida.
From the top:
1 The Empty Crown: This is meant to signify the fact that we are ruled by Queen Elizabeth II, but she’s almost never here. When she does show up, someone goes around and sticks her picture on all the Coats of Arms.
2 The Angry Little Lion: This guy is waving a maple leaf and yelling at you, because that’s something lions do, eh? I like to think he’s shouting “This leaf is red! REDDDD!”
3 The Union Jack and some French flag on spears: This is really typically Canadian; we put some other countries’ flags on our royal seal.
4 The Golden Toilet: There’s a chemical toilet on our Coat of Arms because we spend a lot of time in little huts on frozen lakes, trying to catch fish. I am not making this up.
5 Some Maple Leaves: Just to make sure you know this is Canada, eh? Get used to it. We drill those maple leaves into you. What you don’t know is that those aren’t maple leaves. They’re pot plants. America was founded by Freemasons; Canada was founded by Deadheads. Anyway, there are more at the bottom, but those are just weeds.
6 The Big Lion: The lion is Canada’s national symbol, because so many of them roam our forests.
7 The Unicorn: Our Coat of Arms was designed by a 13-year-old girl. If it were being done today, we’d have stupid Edward Cullen on it.
8 The Shield: This has a bunch of smaller images on it: Ninja throwing stars, a harp, some lions having a three-way and some “maple leaves.” It’s a secret code that, when deciphered by Robert Langdon, spells out “Canadian bush party!”
9 The Motto: “Desiderantes meliorem patriam” is Latin for “Desiring a better country.” An alternate translation is “This place sucks, eh?” This is Canadian National Pride at work.
10 The Other Motto: “A mari usque ad mare” means “Take off, you hoser” in a rare and little-used dialect called Etobicokan.
So there you have it: our Coat of Arms. I hope you like it. If you ever want a closer look, let me know; I have it tattooed on me, and the Speedo doesn’t cover it all.
Kennedy, Starbase 66
