Imagine a story set during the American Civil War, where Napoleon races to recover Darth Vader’s lightsaber from Hitler’s clutches in order to stop Genghis Khan from invading Robinson Crusoe’s island.

That wasn’t exactly how The Scorpion King 2 went, but close enough.

The 2008 skunk stars a Power Ranger, a UFC wrestler, and a Bud Bundy look-alike. They dress like thugs from Tupac’s California Love video and explore the ancient world.

Problem is, director Russell Mulcahy shows just as much disregard here for time, space, and cannon as he did two decades ago making Highlander 2. And it’s less forgivable because the source material isn’t nearly as epic or beloved.

Here’s the problem:

1) The original Scorpion King was set 5,000 years ago, placing it around 3,000 BC.

2) The Scorpion King 2: Let’s Rape History, was a prequel set about 20 or so years earlier.

3) Our main baddie here is Sargon I of Akkad, a Mesopotamian conqueror from 2300 BC. That means we’re only about seven centuries off.

4) In the film, Sargon murders King Hammurabi, who according to that pesky little “history” thing (I know, how reliable is that old chestnut?) died around 1750 BC.

It gets worse by a factor of, oh, only 2,000 years or so. Later in the film, Ari the Greek starts talking about Herodotus (484-425 BC), who in the story’s supposed timeline wouldn’t be born for another 2,500 years. A major plot point revolves around recovering the Sword of Damocles from the Realm of the Dead. In real life, the legend of the sword originated with Cicero in the mid-300s BC.

At this point, I was foaming in front of my computer, cursing Netflix and whatever other gods might hear. So I take a deep breath, and I get real high, and I scream at the top of my lungs, “What’s going on?!” Was there no basic research done here?

Moving on: Our heroes board a passenger boat to Egypt, but decide mid-cruise to go to Greece instead to get this Lightsaber of Damocles, and next thing you know, the boat is in Crete just because the plot demands it. We see all the other passengers disembarking, but didn’t they pay to go to Egypt? If I were one of those passengers, I’d be all like, “Hey, what the shit?! Wasn’t I going to see the pyramids? What is this plot-induced geographic fuck-up?”

I forget exactly how our little bands winds up in the Cretian laybrinth — a trap door or something — but now they’re pitted against the minotaur. If you’re kind, then you’ll say the crappy animation is an homage to the ol’ sword-and-sandal monster flicks of Ray Harryhausen. If you’re honest, you’ll say the $8 million budget  is the culprit.

Anyway, unless you want to niggle away at the ass-burglar of a plot, let’s just ignore that legend puts the Sword of Damocles in Syracuse on the island of Sicily. Which is not Crete.

Let’s stick with the minotaur thing. During the fight, Elysian prisoners join in, saying they owe a lifedebt or something to the Power Ranger’s dad because they fought together in the war against the Hittites. Unfortunately, that war happened three centuries after Sargon’s reign. Of course, they could have been talking about the 1593 BC Hittite invasion of Mesopotamia, but that’s another seven centuries off course.

WHEN DOES THIS MOVIE TAKE PLACE? Did Bill S. Preston Esquire and Ted “Theodore” Logan write it?

With ol’ Bullface dead, the Power Ranger’s girlfriend reveals they can get to the Underworld from a portal somewhere inside the labyrinth. I suppose we’ll give the writers a break for artistic license, but in all of mythology there’s no reference to a Cretian entrance to Hades, at least that I can find.

Existing ways to get into hell:

1) Odysseus got there from Circe’s island.

2) Legends say there’s another entrance in a Spartan cave.

3) The Necromanteion, a temple in northwestern Greece, is the traditional “door to Hades.”

4) Roman mythology puts another entrance in Cumae in western Italy — that’s how Aeneus made his descent, according to Virgil.

5) Be a Catholic priest.

There are more lies, allegations, and inaccuracies to address, but what’s the point? It’s not going to budge this little picture from a 3.8/10 rating on IMDB. And the writers aren’t the only ones to blame, you know. Mulcahy’s music video experience is shining through the flick (did you know he made Hungry Like the Wolf and Video Killed the Radio Star?). Michael “Power Ranger” Copon’s acting is rudimentary at best. UFC heavyweight champ Randy Couture is like a beefed up Jason Statham who can’t deliver a convincing line. And whatever $10 hooker was hired to do the computer animation can just get pushed off a bridge.

Listen, I’ll confess I actually liked the Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Scorpion King movie, even if just for the mozzarella. But the prequel is unforgivable. It’s one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever watched. At no point in its rambling, incoherent plot was it even close to something that could be considered a rational story. Everyone who clicked the Netflix link at the top of this page is now dumber for having watched it.

I award The Scorpion King 2 no points, and may god have mercy on its soul.

~ Jason