I have some advice for all the teenage guys out there. Your mother loves you, and you really should spend some quality time with her. My recommendation is to share a lazy Sunday afternoon in front of Netflix with the classic 1998 romantic romp Virtual Girl. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll learn that even computers need love. You and Mom will bond over the lighthearted hijinx of a boy and his dream girl and her breasts.
Did I say breasts? Yes, I suppose there are a couple of those sprinkled in this masterpiece… here and there… and over there… and a few more right over yonder.
Come to think of it, Virtual Girl is pretty much a long episode of VR Troopers, plus those boobies I mentioned. Those start showing up no more than two minutes in. I’m pretty sure that’s a record of Usain Bolt proportions.
Seriously, though, this soft core porn totally legitimate science fiction thriller has the technical accuity an ITT Tech midterm project Lawnmower Man, the philosophical allure of My Little Pony: The Movie The Matrix, and all the twists and turns we’d come to expect from a horny sixth grade special education student Hollywood’s best. I mean, the rich world of virtual reality is a totally outdated 90′s fad captivating new medium! The art geniuses behind Virtual Girl showed me a future with low polygon count unlimited potential, including a title sequence with a space battle that looked like an abortion PS1 cutscene entirely real! And while there are a few 1980′s-style Cinemax arthouse love scenes featuring brave talent like the makeup-caked beautiful Charlie Curtis, they really are worse than holodeck fanfic tastefully relevant to the… hehe… to the… *snicker*… to the plot.
Ah, yes! How could I forget to talk about the plot? It’s so… the point of the movie! The complex story is why people watch Virtual Girl. To sum up: Boy makes computer boobs. Boobs seduce and then kill people. Character say “cyber” a lot. Another boy likes his wife’s boobs, so he spurns the computer boobs. The computer boobs get jealous and try to ruin everything! One of the high-tech VR screens says “Loading MIDI.” Then we find out the boobs might not be the real bad guy(s). Despite five murders, two attempted murders, and a fiery mushroom that erupts from a skyscraper, no police investigate. At the end, we like some boobs, hate other boobs, and find out that one big boob was the secret force behind all the stuff.
It’s definitely worthy of a 3.5/10 rating on IMDB. Don’t watch Virtual Girl unless you’re a 12-year-old whose dad has hidden his old Playboy mags too well.
~ Jason
